Trusting That I Can, Day 9: Except when it comes to the kids

Last night I lay awake for hours worrying about the girls. The actual problems on hand didn’t wake me up, but it was one of those middle-aged woman nights.  Once I was awake, that was it for several hours, not matter what remedies (read: drugs) I tried.

And once you are awake there in the dark, you worry. Right now, we have some things to worry about, so I went for it whole hog, imagining terrible scenarios, wrestling my mind back to present, just to end up in another terrible vision of the future.

The thing is, that trust is all well and good when it comes to yourself, but it’s different with your kids. I worked out my feelings about living, dying and all the options in between a long time ago. I came to a uneasy peace with the predicament of living, but a peace nonetheless.

But that got shattered once the girls arrived.  The deal that I’m in charge but I can’t control what happens to them (not that I don’t try…) is just mindblowing. Any bargain I might have struck with the universe about myself cannot be expanded to cover them. (And yes, I do understand that the universe is probably not interested in my bargaining, but such a deal calms me enough to function each day.)

Now that they are getting more opinionated and trying out “their way” in the world, I’m seeing how powerless I’m becoming. I have to rework my understanding of trust; in them, in myself, in how life works.

What makes that harder is that, of course, like any mother, I notice the disasters that happen to other people’s children. Other people’s children do make mistakes and get hurt. Other people’s children do end up sadly no matter what is done for them. Bad things happen and may happen to my children. It’s not a done deal that everything will be allright. Not at all.

And when the discussion moves to whether such sad tales are what people “need to do,” or “well, it’s just their life path,” I just blank out. Not acceptable, even if it turns out to be true.

So questions like these are partly why I started this series. Not to get any outside answers, but to try to find a new place of trust and acceptance about all the possibilities out there that frighten me, now that the girls are in viewing distance of adolescence. Not so I can keep myself awake with imagined horror stories, but so that I can put it out of my mind and focus on today. Ack. I’m pinning my hopes on that effort being the best help I can give them.

 

This post is part of a series of posts on trust, based on the 21-Day Salutes originated by blogger Colleen Wainwright. The intention is to write daily to help shift a habit. Originally, she had been told that it takes 21 days of new behavior to change a habit. She has since found out that it is apparently takes much longer. Oh well….

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2 Responses to Trusting That I Can, Day 9: Except when it comes to the kids

  1. xtineracer says:

    I haven’t yet read the other posts in your series. I am not a mother. I will admit I know very little first-hand about your thoughts and fears. But I am a daughter. I have a brother about whom my parents constantly worry. I have a boyfriend with one teen and one tween daughter. I see the parents’ fear. I see them feel helpless. And I see things turn out just fine. As concerned as they all are, they are still your children. You set the example. And you – yes, YOU – are a wonderful example. And as much as they will be teenagers or rebels or whatever they will be, they will always love you, they will always want to be the best they can be. They will be a part of you no matter what either of you does about it. I see the mopey teen turn into a goofy girl at the drop of a hat, and she displays the amazing humor and smile of her father. It is amazing to watch, and makes me so happy when I can witness it. So I guess my conclusion is that you are not alone in your worry, but I really, truly don’t think you have too much to worry about. Much love. (:

    • growingmygirls says:

      Thank you for your comments. You know it’s just so hard to know how everything’s going to work out. As B said this morning: “All mothers are nervous.” But I love the echoes of the parents you see in those girls and I am so glad to be reminded of how kids bounce back. Much love back atcha!

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